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oh ya

And I bought a new swimsuit at Victoria's Secret yesterday and got told the bra size I should be wearing is a 30DD. WUT


NO LIE EVERYTHING I KNOW ABOUT BRAS HAS GONE OUT THE WINDOW. I need to actually get fitted by someone who knows what they're doing, since apparently vs lies about your size to sell you a bra. But 30DD I bought just to try doesn't fit horribly.

I wondered if can go back and do it all over again, would I? At first, I thought no. I've been socially awkward my entire life. I would never want to go through puberty again for sure. But then I thought back to my years in high school. I was  never liked by my friends or guys. There was that whole Nick in identify and the emo kid thing. I felt out of place the entire time. I was outcast my freshman year, struggled to be a funner person my sophomore year, felt like a poser, but was at my happiest junior year, and ignored my senior year. People thought I was annoying, stupid, a stalker, a harasser, etc. Maybe some of it is true. I still don't know who I am, I still don't have many friends, and I still don't know what the fuck I'm doing with myself. If I had the knowledge I have now about how things would turn out, maybe I would go back, if at least so I would be less embarrassed when I remembered my high school years. But if I feel just as out of place now as I did then, who's to say I would've done any better the second time around? Maybe I could have been skinnier had I known. Prettier. I could have been fully natural too. I wish I could just be happy with where I am in life. I can't remember the last time I was. And fortunately or unfortunately, there is no rewind.

So I was lonely today and I asked Hat in a text if he still loves me. No reply for an hour. I had to prompt him and he finally sends back "I don't know what to say."


I knew something was off. I don't know what's going on. I had a good time on Monday and I really liked being with him. When he kissed me for the first time, he stopped being friends with me. Maybe because I've had sex with him, he's trying to dodge again? He used to actually try to talk to me then it died down and I feel like he doesn't want to anymore.


Then I sent back a message, asking if I could call. He said he was going to bed. He really can't take 20 minutes to tell me what's going on?


I just feel like crying. I don't know what I did wrong. He still says things that make me feel like he likes me, so I thought maybe it was just in my head, but obviously it's not. How am I supposed to take this crap from George and then turn around to take this disappointment from Hat?


Just, what the hell does life expect from me? Am I a bad person? Am I too clingy? Do I want too much? Do I deserve to be alone forever?


I'm concerned too that he just has stuff going on with other girls. Honestly, I've wanted to ask, but I've been too scared.


I'm really confused. I thought he was into me. He's been saying nice things, still. Maybe the more time he spends with me, the more comfortable I get, but the more he sees things about me he doesn't like. I'm probably not a very likeable person.


I hope he doesn't feel like I've been stringing him along while I wait for George. He said he wasn't into that when we started talking again and I don't want to treat him like that. I'm trying not to. I don't want him to think he deserves less than what he really does, but trying to sort out my own feelings makes it harder. I constantly doubt myself. Am I using him? Is this treating him like less?
I think I told him yesterday that being with him makes me feel less lonely. Did he take that weird? Is that all I see in him? I feel like it's not, like I actually fucking like him, but I can't put into words anything definitive.


Mom says not to take it too seriously. I think she's mad at me. She was in the living room when this conversation happened, so she saw me get depressed and asked what happened. I told her and she tried to give me some advice, which I rejected by saying I didn't want to talk about it. Everything she said but the last thing was really unhelpful and I just don't feel ready to talk about it yet. I don't even know what just happened here or how he feels about me now.


I really just fuck up everything I touch, don't I? I can feel that willingness to live just slipping away. I almost hope I have cancer, just so I don't have to think about whether or not I should commit suicide. I'd still rather have the choice, though. I'm not wishing cancer on myself just yet, but I am wishing I get into an accident and fall into a coma for a while, like an unconscious vacation. I need a break from just feeling depressed and angry all the time.


I want George to call me tonight, but he probably won't since I haven't been answering and he has a girlfriend anyway, so what does he care about me?

what the fuck

So today would've been our two year anniversary. I knew George didn't want to see me or talk to me, but I just wanted to see him today, give him a hug, maybe a kiss on the cheek. I texted him today asking if I could give him a ride home and he said maybe later. So I waited all day, not knowing if I was going to see him, and he texted me at 6pm asking for a ride from his girlfriend's house.


I'm just so hurt and so angry. He said asked me for sex last weekend and when I told him I couldn't so it knowing he was going to go back to her, he said he wasn't. And sure enough, I had sex with him on Monday, and he told me he wanted to be alone, but he went back to her. It wasn't even good sex. I barely felt anything and he barely touched me. He's just fucking lying to me and I hope he's trying to make me mad and isn't this much of an asshole. It's working too. I am furious and I just wanted to hurt him. I can't trust him anymore, but all of this lying just makes me question everything, which is why I really hate being lied to in the first place. Did he ever love me? Did he only use me for sex? Did he know he wasn't going to get back with me? Did he purposely lie when he was talking about being alone?


I'm so upset. How could he do this to me? I don't even know what to say to him or if I should say anything at all? I want to hit him, I want to yell at him, tell him I cheated on him while we were together, tell him I fucked Hat, just anything to hurt him. But I don't want to hurt him the way he's hurt me. It doesn't solve anything and it'll just make him feel as bad as I do, which he deserves for this shit, but I know really sucks to feel.


Seriously, what the fuck?

its better?

So this week has been hell.




I spent all day Friday crying, up until I finally got am old friend to text me back. I remembered how sweet Michelle Le was and found her on Facebook and she gave me her new number. I don't know if she can take me out anywhere, but she said I can talk to her any time I need to and it is such a relief that I won't be alone.




George hung out with her on Friday, but he says he's confused now and he misses me. He hates that she drinks and smokes and is high a lot. I got excited because I hoped this meant he was going to come back to me, but he still wants me to get over him :(




We talked last night and we got into a fight. He wanted to talk about his problems with her, but I can't handle it, so he wanted to hang up. I waited all day to talk to him, I didn't want to just hang up. I got mad because of his insistence that he go and then he got mad at me. I was just so angry and I was being stubborn. At first I was angry because he told me he wouldn't date anyone for a year after me. When I broke up with him, I had to convince him that there was no one else. There never was anyone else. I knew it would devastate him. And now after all that, he met someone else? I feel lied to and let down.




Besides that even, I realized while we were talking that I couldn't just settle for this. I wanted to fight for him. I didn't expect that. Up until last night, I understood that we shouldn't be together and that it's a good thing he found someone else and I just had to suffer. Yesterday, for the first time, I felt like I couldn't just let him go like that. I was getting aggressive and he gave it right back. At first I was too angry to care, but after he was done talking to me, I was wrecked. He said he was trying to spare my feelings, but he doesn't care anymore. He really likes her and he wants it to work but he's confused because he thinks they might be too different and he's scared to move on even though he wants to and he doesn't know who he is anymore (it took everything in me not to say that he's confused because he's not with me, where he belongs). He said he felt awful after the last time we had sex and he needs commitment, which is why he broke up with me in the first place. He said that if I didn't let him hang up, he wouldn't talk to me anymore. I said fast chance that'll work, I know where he lives.




"Is that a threat?"




That surprised me. Does he really think I would threaten him. "A threat to see you, yes."
"Look, I'm confused enough, I don't need you coming to see me or calling me or texting me. I just need quiet."




Shit, I was okay when I started and now I'm crying again. I always feel like I'm a burden on people and he told me I could talk to him whenever I needed to, but as it turns out, I'm a burden on him too. I'm really just so broken inside.




I asked him if he wanted to talk about her and I would listen. He did did want to, he did talk about her, and I listened, but when I started crying again, he wanted to leave and I finally let him go.




I stopped crying for a little while after he hung up. Then I talked to Michelle Le about it. She comforted me and this is when I realized that I wanted to actually get him back. He made me feel confused. In a normal person, wouldn't that have been their first reaction? Yet here I am, with this feeling out of nowhere, and it goes against my best judgment, but it's what I wanted.




I called George this morning, but he couldn't talk; he was busy. He still sounded like I was a burden, but he said I could call him tonight. After he left, I called my dad and asked if it was okay for me to go beg for him back, and my dad said the exact thing I wanted to hear. I still want to be single when I go to Reno, so I knew it want fair to ask him to be with me knowing we would have to do this again. Dad said that if I wanted to be with him, even for the short time before I went to Reno, I should because that's what's going to make me happy and he feels like George and I are good together. I went and told mom I wanted to get back with George and she was dumbfounded at first, but she said she'll support me no matter what I decide. I still thinks she underestimates the seriousness of our relationship and how much I love him, but that was the right thing to say.




I don't know what to do. I feel better, but I am not ready to give him up yet. I want to ask for him back, but I don't want to be just as unhappy as I was before. Jessica finally got back to me and she said that she'll take me out sometimes so I can meet people. If that goes well, I may end up owing her my life.Then there's the fact that George may not even want me back. If he didn't, I'd be devastated all over again. I have a hard time even taking it that he likes someone other than me. I relied on his feelings for me for so long and if he doesn't love me anymore, I don't know if I could take it. If I get back with him, and I do end up unhappy, I would have to break his heart instead of mine. I don't want to do that. Hell, I don't want to go though this again either. What if Jessica comes through for me and I go out and have a good time with another guy?




Gah! I don't want to get over him, I don't want to get back with him, I don't want him to leave me, I I don't want to break his heart if I meet someone. And right now, my fate is completely in his hands. If he does want me back, I can think more about it before I formally ask. If he doesn't, I have no choice but to leave him behind, and I'm terrified to do that. I love him so much.


So remember this?:
"I think that we're getting better at being independent and we're going to be okay when we can't see each other anymore. If Ibut I think that we're getting better at being independent and we're going to be okay when we can't see each other anymore. If I can get a social life, I'd be able to go out and have a good time, and I think he's okay because he's got friends at school and he understands that we're not getting back can get a social life, I'd be able to go out and have a good time, and I think he's okay because he's got friends at school and he understands that we're not getting back together. We've actually been doing better now that we're not together. With less pressure to do stuff for him, I actually am less stressed out and we just enjoy each other's together. We've actually been doing better now that we're not together. With less pressure to do stuff for him, I actually am less stressed out and we just enjoy each other's company now. company now."


It's all bullshit.

Sep. 25th, 2012

George and I got into a fight on Monday and I felt bad and wanted to make it up to him next time I saw him. I have a mid term on Friday, so I wanted to study on Wednesday and see him on Friday. He texted me tonight and said he was sorry and I was a great friend. Then he told me he seriously wanted to see me tomorrow. When, I told him I couldn't, he said I would regret it if I didn't. Obviously, something was up. He was scaring me and he wouldn't be straight-forward with me. So of course, I was imagining the worse, that he doesn't want to see me anymore, he had sex with someone else, whatever. The pressure was killing me so I called him. He answered the phone and sounded like everything was fine. When I asked what was going on he told me he didn't want to see me anymore, "I met someone."


My heart dropped like an anchor hitting the bottom of the ocean.


I literally cannot go more than 4 minutes without breaking down and sobbing. I hate myself so much right now.


So I know that I said I wouldn't sleep with George anymore, because he's selfish in bed, which makes me feel neglected, and because I need to get over him.


I failed horribly.


The day we saw each other after I got back, I told him I didn't think we should see each other anymore and he freaked. He had it in his head that when I got back, everything would be good between us and we would be together again. When i crushed his fantasy, he overreacted and said a bunch of stuff to hurt me. Then the next day, he was remorseful and walked to my house and wouldn't quit knocking on my door. So after a while, I felt bad and let him in. He apologized and said he was okay with not being together anymore.


Then I asked him if he wanted to go upstairs and have sex. It was gooooooooood.


A few days ago, we were going to have sex. I told him to touch me and he said, "jeez, you're so demanding!" I said he was demanding about blow jobs up until I got good at it. I started sucking it and two minutes in, he was in heaven already, so I thought I'd be funny and ask if there was anything he'd like to demand now.I got some side eye lol. The other thing that was memorable was I cried because if the sex for the first time ever. I made him touch me and I was in heaven, but he wanted to have sex with me already, so he stuck his cock in me and just kept hitting that spot that feels good, but is so intense, that I didn't know how long I could take it. When he finished and laid on top of me, I started sobbing! I was embarrassed; I didn't even know I did that.


So yeah. in a weird way, we're both still in love, but I think that we're getting better at being independent and we're going to be okay when we can't see each other anymore. If I can get a social life, I'd be able to go out and have a good time, and I think he's okay because he's got friends at school and he understands that we're not getting back together. We've actually been doing better now that we're not together. With less pressure to do stuff for him, I actually am less stressed out and we just enjoy each other's company now.


I invited a friend to go see a Blood on the Dance Floor show I am November, so we'll see how that goes. I actually really want to see Jeffree Star. I just have to buy the tickets before they're sold out.


So Logan texted me asking for pics and I told him that he backed out of the sex, so he has to send the pick first so I know he won't back out of that. He stopped texting me right after that, I and I've talked to him once since then about nothing particularly important. So, I've been thinking about him less and I've kind of accepted that we're probably never going to be good friends or even be relevant to each other. Oh well. I need a social life...


Calculus 2 is stressing me out. My Chem teacher is a munchkin, but if it weren't for that, he'd be really freaking hot.


Trying to think of other relevant info. Yolanda quit her job so she's spending all of dad's money, and so he doesn't have enough saved to buy a house anymore. He also is thinking about getting rid of Daisy, and since he takes care of her the most and he doesn't want to. I said he should give her away. Yolanda doesn't know what the heck she is doing, and Daisy deserves a nice home while she's still young and cute. It'll be harder to give her away if she's older. I don't even know how dad deals with Yolanda. I don't want him to be lonely, but she's getting on my last nerve.


Alright, I think that sums up everything enough.


So I'm not even sure how this happened, but I seem to have become a fangirl for Jayy Von Monroe, from the band Blood on the Dance Floor.


I saw his picture a someone else's profile picture on Facebook and one day the person with the picture mentioned his name. I'm into the androgyny, so I google imaged him and didn't think much of it. He's alright. But later I got curious and went back and looked through the photos and found that I loved the ones where he's smiling. A gorgeous smile can hook me very well. Then I went back again...and again...and again...then I did a regular google search and found his formspring. I read a bunch of questions and answers, watched some YouTube videos of interviews and I seem to really be hooked on how pretty his smile is, how great he is to talk to.


He seems really sweet, funny, down to earth, just like a nice guy. I feel like I can't describe him very well either, like there's some adjective I can't remember that I would like to assign to him. I don't know, he seems like a (relatively) normal (alternative) guy, one that you could have a good time just chilling with or just talking to.


It's weird because I completely hate his music. After realizing that I liked this guy, I went back and tried to listen to it again, apparently their music promotes a message about accepting oneself, but I really just cannot stand it. It's horrid. I don't even like all the theatrics either, like the look they have that resembles visual kei. Just without all of that strange music, ripped clothes, edgy makeup, and posing he's just a beautiful human being.


(I can't even tell you how much I hate that supermodel type camera posing if you're not a supermodel. George does it too. I tried to take a picture of the love he has in his eyes when he looks at me, and as soon as I brought out the camera, that look disappeared. Why can't I just get a picture of how you actually look at me, instead of that empty, supermodel stare?)


Case in point, although this is more an intense stare than an empty one.

Beautiful, yes. But also posey.

Still fake contacts, but that smile is so cute and fun :-)
Reminds me of this, actually:

(yeah, I found that by google imaging "miyavi smile.")


That's about it, but I also wanted to remind the future me who is reading this post to make a gif and that I like whoissugar and gossmakeupartist on YouTube.
Gif video link: http://m.youtube.com/index?desktop_uri=%2F&gl=US#/watch?v=09vf7jjiDuI


"Ahh let's fuck everything!"

I'm so stupid!

Arg! I got scammed yesterday and I'm so angry about it, so I decided to write about it in hopes that it will make me feel better.

So this guy came to my door yesterday and said he was selling magazine subscriptions in order to win a prize of a thousand dollars to help pay for college and a trip to Italy. I looked through the magazines and asked if he had Rolling Stone, because my mom asked for a subscription to that for Christmas. He said the magazine was $48 dollars. I knew that was high but I thought, "Oh, well, it would be one thing to cross off my to do list and I'd be help this kid get money for college, which I understand. Plus, he said that a subscription to Rolling Stone from the magazine website would probably cost around $30 or $35. I wouldn't be paying too much more."

Of course, his boss rolls up in a white car and she comes ip and immediately starts writing stuff down and just assumes I'm going to buy something. Well, the guppy that I am, I feel bad saying no after I get people's hopes up, so I decide to buy the magazine. I fill out the thing and give them cash. As it turns out, there's a $15 additional processing fee, so I paid $60. Man, if I had known about that in the first place I definitely would've said no! But AARG, I pay them, they leave and I begin feeling awful buyers remorse about what I just did, so I look up the price if a Rolling Stone subscription and I found one for $13!!! I felt like an idiot and my boyfriend consoled me and said I got ripped off, but that I could get my money back.

My mom comes home and I come clean and tell her what I did, and she felt so bad because I got ripped off trying to get her her present, so she offered to send in the receipt for a cancellation and to get a refund. Then she tells me while she's at work that the company listed on the receipt has been known to rip people off across America and that I might never get my money back. (I didn't just spend money either, I spent money I got for my birthday .)

I feel so stupid and angry and sad and angry and stupid and angry. I can't believe I was so naive that I fell for this stupid scam. I never should have answered the door. She says I should be lucky because some magazine scams like this one take the routing number off of checks and withdraw more money later on. That doesn't make me feel better though. At least if I had paid with a check, I would've been able to put a stop on it and report them as fraud. Cash is pretty much gone forever. I'm so angry at myself, too. How could I have been so stupid? And now I'm out $60. I could take feeling stupid, but it's not like I'm a fucking millionaire, I could really have used that money for stuff that's actually fucking worthwhile. Fuck. :'(

I'm so upset. Talking about it actually kind of made me feel shittier. I just wish there was something I could do to fight this. I don't know, I want to roam neighborhoods and look for these people. I want to take this to court. I don't know what to do with all this anger I have. I just want my money back. Wah.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.


so things have been going all right. I've been preoccupied with college and haven't thought about livejournal until today when I need to update the app on my phone. I figured it would be good to write here though and get something off my mind. I seriously cannot stop thinking about Emo Kid (again). I'm mostly just curious to see how he's doing. Damn bitch better not be over me :P but I'm terrified of us having a good conversation and being friends again. I don't want to fall for him all over again. george is too important to me and I'm in love with him. I want to satisfy my curiosity, but there is just too much at stake. Emo kid made me crazy and I never want to put up with that again. I just don't know what to do. I'm trying to hold off but I know I can't resist forever. I wish I could just send out of my head and be done with it. Damn my curiosity... grr -________- I'm also worried about how george would react when i told him i called the douche bag. he would probably be okay, i told him i was thinking about it and he seemed to be reasonable, but i doubt he'll react the same way if I actually did it. we're also at an interesting point in our relationship since we just got over a rough patch. I feel confident about my love for george, and our one year anniversary is next week. I even bought sexy lingerie for him! I just don't want to start something and be in a bad place all over again. I think I have to call the douche though, otherwise I'll never stop thinking about it. What terrifies me is the possibility that he'll still be on my mind afterwards and then i'll be trapped. I have a lot to lose too. George is really everything to me at this point. Oh dear, wish me luck livejournal :) <3

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.


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